Six Billion Secrets (dot-com)

Super depressing website. It really makes you want to help, though. Go on it if you dare. Read lots of stories about people with eating disorders and depression. Appreciate your life. Love yourself, love your body, change things in a positive way. If something is wrong, please, please just get away from it. Reach out for help. Call teenage crisis hotlines. Please, people, for the love of God, don’t let it all get you down. Never. Get therapy or any other help that you need, okay? Talk to a trusted adult or counselor or favorite teacher… somebody? Okay?

Thanks, that’s my little anti-self-harm public service announcement. I kind of want to do that thing where you write lots of really nice things on sticky-notes and post them all over the halls of the school. Our administration is actually pretty chill, so I don’t think they’d mind.

Hm. I’m thinking about my secrets. Now I kind of want to write them all down somewhere… Consider the following list my story for today.

  • I get scared when I hear about people who have had very troubling lives because I want to help them but I’ll never be able to relate–thank God–so I don’t know if I can
  • I really like how I look; I like my eyes and my hair, and even if I have bad skin, I don’t mind; whenever I pass by a reflective surface–mirror, tinted glass, anything–I can’t help looking at myself, tousling my hair, and smiling. I feel silly but I do it anyways
  • I love people who complement people; not just me, anybody. People who go out of their way to give somebody a specific complement–like “I like your hair” or “red looks good on you”–are really just nice people
  • I get worried when I see people who seem perpetually unhappy; sometimes, I think it’s just because they want attention, but then I feel really bad because sometimes, well, it’s not, and I don’t want to be the kind of person who assumes that
  • I push myself really hard to be confident–to look people in the eyes, to hold my head up, to walk with my back straight, even though my tote bag and purse are both very heavy and rest on the same shoulder. I smile at and say hi to everyone I pass by who I recognize, just in case they’re having a bad day
  • I don’t try as hard as I would like to in school, but I don’t know if I’m going to do anything about it; that sometimes worries me, but I still don’t change
  • I’m really afraid of the future; college, job-life, going away from my family, all of it just scares me because I have no idea what to expect. I try to keep a positive attitude about it, but I can’t help being nervous and desperate to stay a little freshman for a while longer
  • Sometimes, I’m really desperate for attention; I know I shouldn’t be, because I am in no way starved of it, but I am, and that really bugs me because I do stupid things when that happens
  • Feminists scare me a little bit. I believe in women’s rights, but I think that shaving is a personal choice and that nobody should criticize me for doing so. Or for believing in love. I don’t know if I can love any person to my fullest capacity at this age–I know that I’m young and probably more naive than I think I am, but I know that if I tell you that I love you as much as I can love anyone right now, I’m being honest.
  • I admit it: I am slightly uncomfortable around flamboyantly gay men and very attractive lesbians. I’m not homophobic; I also don’t mind being around them. It’s just that I feel kind of weird. I don’t know why. This is something that I will certainly try to get over, because I don’t want to be offensive. (if there’s anyone reading this who is something other than heterosexual and you feel personally offended, please don’t; I hold you in no lower or higher respect than any heterosexual person, mkay?)
  • I totally wish I could fly. I mean, seriously, how chill’d that be?
  • Sometimes, I’ll hear someone use a cool phrase or word and I’ll immediately be jealous of them because that takes away any opportunity I might have had to say that word–if I say it within the same conversation, I’d obviously just be copying them, and that would be SO lame of me
  • Makeup intimidates me. I don’t think I’d ever be able to wear makeup. For one thing, I simply don’t know how to put it on. A lot of people tell me it’s easy, why don’t I just go to the makeup counter at Nordstrom or whatever and try it there, or have one of the nice counter ladies do it for me? Why? Because I don’t think I’d look all that good. Because I don’t want to clog my pores. Because my boyfriend thinks that I already look pretty (thank you, darling!) and he says that if I’m wearing makeup and he kisses me on the cheek, I’ll just taste like chemicals, and, hello? Ick. Also, because I’m scared of getting sucked into the makeup thing. I don’t want to depend on makeup to make myself feel confident. I’m comfortable in my skin, dammit!
  • I don’t like people who tell me what kind of makeup they think would look good on me. I don’t let it get to me, but it bothers me that they think I might want to change something about my appearance. I mean, if I wore makeup, that’d be one thing, And if I asked what you thought might look good, that’s also a different story. But if you just tell me, then that’s kind of weird, and I don’t much like that. So thanks, but you can keep it to yourself.
  • I wish I could sing more often, but I’m too embarrassed. I don’t want to make a fool of myself, but I really enjoy singing; there’s just nowhere private enough for me to do it–not even the shower, since then, of course, everyone in my house will hear. So that’s one of my biggest–and one of my few–confidence issues.
  • I think about things that I say, but usually  not until after I’ve said them. I know so many people who proudly say, “I”m the kind of girl [usually it’s a girl, at least] who speaks her mind! I don’t care what other people say, I just express my opinion.” I used to be like that. Now, I try as hard as I can to decide whether or not something will be offensive, because I know that even just a little thing can eat at someone for hours and days, and I don’t want to put people through that
  • I really like people. I have some friends who don’t like to meet new people, and I feel really awkward around them because I don’t want them to think I’m ditching them, but I also don’t want to seem stand-offish to whoever the stranger is. I’m constantly in little tiny insignificant battles like that with myself.
Okay, that’s enough personal stuff for one night. Those are things that I don’t really tell people, so, y’know, enjoy knowing some of my most introverted thoughts.

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