Observations About Authors

Do you like the all-vowel-alliterative title? It took a lot of careful consideration and forethought.

On topic, though, I have compiled a short list of traits that I think most authors that I like have in common. This is that list.

  • They live in multiple places—check. My parents are divorced, so I live between two houses. Totally swank, dude.
  • They really like animals. They have plenty of pets and bring them up frequently—not check. I have a Chihuahua named Spike, but I really just don’t like dogs. I like cats, and I like big birds, but there is little chance of me  obtaining any of these in the near future, so if I become a published author before I become a , I’ll have to make some up, but that’s just a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

This is an excerpt from my future “About the Author” page: “Having realized all of her childhood dreams, the brilliant and acclaimed authoress Sami now happily lives between Nova Scotia and sunny Southern California with her pet lamb, Ibel, and her Cooper’s Hawks, Idgey and Racecar. She (just barely) graduated from Indiana University with a degree in Musical Performance Whistling and is now doing a double-major at UCLA in Underwater Basket-Weaving and Feminine Studies, all the while knitting her way to the top of the craft-blogosphere and working part-time sweeping floors in a small bakery with her sister and some of her close childhood friends.”

  • They are super active as web presences. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, the blogosphere in general, even some of the weird websites that you’ve never heard of—almost check. Facebook, Tumblr, and a blog, I have. But all famous people Tweet, and I just don’t. The last time I Tweeted was about two or three years ago, when I said that I got a haircut. I’m going to have to work on that someday, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there, and not a moment sooner.
  • If they ever write memoirs, they don’t sugar-coat it. That is some soul-baring, harsh, revealing, and cynical stuff, the memoir of a writer—not even close to check. No, I make myself seem like either the hero or the victim in just about everything I do. I can’t just say I messed up, oh no. It’s someone else’s fault, I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, or I was trying to do the best possible thing and the consequences were completely unpredictable. But it was never my fault.
  • I bet they secretly look down on everyone they see. They act pleasant, sure, but in their minds, they are shaking their little writerly heads in condescension and a smirk of superiority—hopefully not check. And if I ever get that way, feel free to pull my hair until I see the error of my ways.
Anyways, that’s all for tonight! I hope you enjoyed that little blurb! I’m pretty sure none of those things are true–except the one about pets, authors can’t just say that they hate animals and get away with it–but hey, I’ll die before I deny any of these claims!
Not really, though… I’m not so good with the dying thing. I don’t like it much. I just thought it would have more impact. But I don’t really need impact right now. What I need is sleep, dammit, so good night, chickedies!

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